So there’s this perv guy at work and let’s call him Ron, because that’s his name still, and he makes me feel all weird about drinking water from my water bottle.
See, I had put my water bottle in the freezer so I could have some cold water and then it froze and then I brought it with me to my machine. And I was real thirsty and so I kinda had trouble drinking from it since it was frozen. So I guess he watched me drink at my water bottle and then he was a perv.
He was all, “You were really going at it. Blah blah blah. I almost needed to go to the bathroom for a minute there.” and then we were punching out and he saw my other water bottle and he was all, “Here, try this one. It’s bigger.” And he was talking about it to Gris. And some random lady at the office. Like, “WHAT THE HELL RON? DO YOU WANT TO DIE. BECAUSE IT COULD HAPPEN RIGHT HERE. WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE WATCHING AND I WOULDN’T LOSE SLEEP OVER IT. I’LL DO IT, MOTHER-EFFER!”
And he’ll probably say something about it today but then I’m going to put my trusty knife against his jewels and be all, “What were you going to say?” and make crazy eyes.
For now I can’t drink from anything or eat anything that looks like a you know what.
So there was this lady at Great America (Six Flags. Not like there’s a part in America that’s better than the rest.) and she was super obnoxious.
We were on the Merry-Go-Round (Shut up. We were on it as a family!) and she started yelling “Giddie up, Cowboy!” and “Whoa!” and “YEE HAW!” and other horsey things.
And all I wanted to do was get off my horse, walk over to her and slap her. Twenty times.
And then say something like, “Look a-hole, I know there’s a lot of horses here but this isn’t a barn.” and “I know we’re outside but use your indoor voice.” and “You’re 40, not 4. Act like it.” and “See these kids around you? They are annoyed by you. It should be the other way around.” and “I’m all for the Peter Pan complex but even he figured out he had to grow up sooner or later. And if he didn’t he should have because that’s just annoying.” and “I know we’re at an amusement park but what you just did that wasn’t amusing at all.” and “Now go substitute those baby diapers that don’t fit you anymore for some adult diapers.” Or something. I don’t know. I didn’t think about it much.
And then I’d punch her just to show her I mean business.
This new lady came into work today and they had to teach her how to do what you have to do on the machine.
And there’s this guy at work, let’s call him Ron, because that’s his name, and he taught her what to do. (Wink.)
And later when she messed up, she came over to me and I asked her if she had called Ron and she asked if Ron was some sort of “Team Leader” and I was like, “No. He’s not a leader of anything. Except maybe the Leader of the Idiots.”
But that’s not fair. Because even though I know a lot of idiots, I don’t know all the idiots out there. And maybe they don’t want Ron to be their leader. I know I wouldn’t want him to be the leader of anything. I wouldn’t follow him to the drinking fountain.
This lady was off base, is my point.
In conclusion: Ron is a perv. He takes his TWSS jokes a little bit too far. I was wearing my Elmo shirt and he asked if he could tickle my Elmo. I feel violated. And not in the good way.
So I was listening to my iPod today and I was thinking of how much I miss Fall Out Boy and how bands shouldn’t break up.
And then I remembered when I found out that Patrick was going solo. I felt like a kid getting candy. But right after the kid gets the candy in his hand he gets stung by a bee. And he’s allergic but not deathly allergic. So to make the kid feel better you bring him a pony. The kid is excited and happy but when the kid goes to pet the pony, the pony kicks him in the face. So the kid is crying and doesn’t know if he even wants the candy and is thinking about sending the pony to a glue factory.
But then you call the kid over and you’re holding the handles of a brand new bike and the kid doesn’t know if he should trust you or not. But you’re smiling and holding a new bike and calling him over so he shrugs and goes over to the bike slowly. But right before he reaches the bike, you stick your foot out and trip him and he hits his nose.
So now the kid is left on the ground. Bleeding and sad even though he has a new bike, a pony and candy.
I have mixed emotions, is my point.
In conclusion: I hope Patrick’s solo act doesn’t suck like Evening Out With Your Girlfriend did. When Patrick thought he had what it took to write music but then had Pete bail him out. And hopefully he comes up with a shorter and catchier title for the album.
1st Quarter Report Absences - 0 Tardies - 0 (‘Cause I’m a good girl.)
Chloe is a quiet person. She enjoys playing house and working with puzzles. She appears to get along with most people but seems to have problems with a few. She has trouble expressing her needs and wants to the teacher. She appears to have fears in the gym. Is she afraid of running or bouncing balls?
I hate alarm clocks as much as I hate people who ask to try your food.
And not the people who you went out to eat with and they have some food of their own to share. Because I can totally do tradesies. Because that’s only fair.
What I don’t like is when people who don’t have food see you have some kind of food and they’re all, “Can I have some?”
Like this lady at work, let’s call her Eva, because that’s her name. If Eva sees anyone eating something she has to have a piece.
And I’m all, “No, lady. This is mine. I brought it because I wanted it. Not because I was all, ‘Hey, maybe Eva will want some.’ No.”
And I wouldn’t be mean if she hadn’t seen my unopened M&Ms and said “Can I open them?”
I mean, it’s one thing if I’ve already opened then and had some myself but it’s another thing if you want to open MY new bag of M&Ms and want to eat some before I do. And you don’t have anything to do tradesies with.
You do not mess with a girls chocolate, lady.
Alarm clocks and people who are inconsiderate are the worst, is my point.
At least she didn’t try that same shit with my Laffy Taffy. Then there wouldn’t be a post whatsoever because then the police would use it against me when they find her body.*
Because my Laffy Taffy is mine. Don’t touch it. Don’t even look at it.
*Haha just kidding cops/Paul. You know you’d never find the body.